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HOMECOMING

When we moved to Florida from Texas almost two years ago, my two oldest kids were torn.  The beach and sun were calling but they had to leave their dad behind.  My daughter has embraced the sand and suntan lotion and loves living here.  Cody, my 10 year old, on the other hand is in his own words, "homesick everyday."

When we travel to Texas for a visit, I always prepare my heart for "homecoming". It wasn't any different when we lived in Texas and the kids spent time with their dad.  Transitioning from one house to another made them an absolute emotional wreck, which made me an absolute emotional wreck. 

I had to find a happy place.  A place where I could prepare my own heart, and gain some control over myself.  That was the only way I could be strong enough to bear their burden of living under the consquences of their parents' choices.  That's what I did every other weekend for 10 years.  And then we moved, but it didn't stop. 

This past week, Alyssa and Cody's grandfather was in town on business.  Their father's dad was a regular part of their life on their weekend trips to the ranch.  He picked them up and took them to dinner. Alyssa was giddy about seeing him! Cody loved his time with grandpa. 

This time with grandpa triggered memories of dad, especially for Cody.  His behavior immediately went out of control-disrespect, anger and nervous energy changed his behavior, what some would think, unexpectedly.

But I knew it was coming, and I knew I had to handle it.  It reminded me how as parents and educators we forget that behavior is most likely NOT about behavior.  Behavior in a child, an often in adults, is a direct response to their home environment, their circumstances, their growth, their age, the nutrition, their sleep habits, and the list goes on and on. 

So know your child's emotional struggles, and as you do, you will begin to see patterns in their behavior.  And as you see these patterns you can be PRO-ACTIVE about handling it, versus waiting for them to get too out of control and then you have to discipline.

That's what I did with Cody.  I waited to see if he learned how to handle his behavior himself, and he proved incapable right now.  So I sat him in a chair facing me, knee to knee and held his hands.  I told him that I noticed how he's been short with me, disrespectful and finding unhealthy joy in bullying his brother.  I told him I noticed that this started after he spent time with Grandpa.  And it seems to me that it would maybe make him miss his dad.  He said, he never really thought of it that way.  I asked him if he may be feeling a little homesick.  He said, "I'm always feeling homesick." 

And now I know.  I asked him to try harder and to be aware of his actions,  He didn't want to let go of my hands, but I grabbed him and hugged him.  And since then, he's back to his old self.  He's loving to Zac, talking with love and respect toward me and has found ways to do positive things with his energy.  He just needed someone to understand.  And so does your child! Pay attention to your children, and prepare for your own HOMECOMING, 

So Don't "shhh-ush" Them!

One of the things Zac hates more than anything in the world is being Shhh-ushed.  He talks a lot, he talks loud, and sometimes he talks slow!  And he interrupts....and he's FIVE!  So it's no surprise to hear him being Shhh-ushed by his older siblings at least two or three times a day.  Sometimes he responds with a VERY loud, "I'm just trying to talk to you!" and sometimes he's so fed up he cries and stomps upstairs while screaming, "I HATE IT WHEN EVERY-BUDY- SHHH-USHES ME!" To which I have to give the "He's-Five-Years-Old-and-You-Were-Too-So-Be-Patient-and-Listen-To-Your-Brother-and-Stop-Shhhusing-Him" Lecture. 

Last night I so wanted to Shhh-ush him myself.  I just wanted to shower and go to bed when I hear him chattering in the bedroom...As I tiptoed toward the door I heard him praying...and he was praying for his daddy, who was recently deployed.  He was holding back his weeping--not crying--weeping--and I could see his lip tucked under, about to hit the floor. 

"Jesus.  I miss my daddy." Is all he said before noticing me, and then the wailing began.

I grabbed him, choked back my own tears, and pulled him close.  His pain seeped out of his words...

"Mama, I feel like my heart is breaking out of my chest.  It really hurts." 

He wept, I held him, and then I prayed for him, and asked him to finish his prayer to Jesus. 

From Zacs Mouth to Gods Ears : "Jesus. Take away my darkness in my heart, I hurt so much cuz I miss my daddy really much.  I'm so scared that he's gonna die and I really want him alive.  I want my daddy back. And my family back.  I miss my daddy really much.  He's my friend.  I love him and everybody.  And I love you too Jesus. Amen. "

Everything in me wanted to lie to him about our circumstances, and change the subject.  I wanted to talk about happy things, like Christmas...I even tried.  I said, "Zac Christmas is coming, aren't you excited to see your cousins..."  To which he replied in tears, "No, cuz I don't get to see my daddy."

I tried singing songs with him...it was going well, he cried and sang Jesus Loves Me with me...Then I went on to sing "Be Careful What You See Little Eyes" which sent him into another episode of weeping. I asked what made him cry, he says, "When I talk to daddy I tell him to be careful out there! And he says You too, Pop!" 

Then Jesus spoke to me.  He said, "Stop Shhhh-ushing Him!" OUCH!  I was shhhh-ushing my grieving child...

So I stopped.  I just laid there, with my grieving five year old in my arms and let him weep. 

Do you shhh-ush kids?? Do they make you feel uncomfortable?  Do you want to fix them?  Is their pain less real than yours?

Stop shhh-ushing kids.  God desires to use their sorrows for his Joy.  Get out of his way!

Let's Play War!

I watched my boys play last night.  Dressed up in my husband's field, camo hats, "fake" dogtags, camo shirts and camo pants, they ran around the house "shooting" guns at each other. 

Some moms would be absolutely and insanely freaking out.  Boys playing with guns?!  In this world?!  Absolutely. N-O-T. 

But not me.  Nope!  I just watched them run and play, yelling military orders at each other.  I knew they were having fun, but more importantly, I knew they needed it.

A few weeks ago, my family learned my husband was deploying to Afghanistan.  To my four year old, this means daddy has to work for the army for a long time and he won't be there when I start kinder.  To my 9 year old, this means, I've lost the only man in my life I can look up to. 

Playing war is the only way my boys know how to process this change in their life.  Their rooms are lined with Dollar Store army men.  My 9 year old is checking out library book after library book about war after war. They're just trying to figure it out.

In their brains, minus or with minimal abstract thinking skills, my boys have to live, breathe and absorb all they can about war to make it a reality.  I think we forget this.  We forget the needs of a child to play to learn--to put into action any new knowledge--or to process change--or to process trauma. 

Years ago, My daughter and son who are two years apart road the bus to school everyday.  Their bus driver was extremely crazy strict.  I actually had to meet with the director of transportation on occasion to protect my children, and the children of the neighborhood.  She tended to yell ALLL THE TIME quite frequently. 

One fine day, my two precious children are playing in their little brother's pack n play.  All I hear is my Cody screaming at the top of his lungs "Turn around, sit down, and shut your mouth!"  I had no idea what was going on so I run in the living room prepared to see my daughter crying.  Instead she was hunched over in the crib giggling uncontrollably. 

"What in the world is going on?!"  I ask

"Oh mom, calm down!  We're just playing BUS DRIVER!"

This bus driver was their first exposure to someone who was less than nice to them. By playing their bus driver, they processed how to act and react to her.  They were learning!
____


In 1980, Chowchilla, California, 26 children were kidnapped off a school bus and driven to a remote location.  They were removed from their bus into a small van where they were buried alive inside the vehicle.  Praise God they were found and all survived.  But here are some of the games they played, even 4 to 5 years after the incident:

Bus Driver (probably more explicit than what my children played)
Kidnap Tag
Tie a Person to a Tree and Leave Them There. 

Any change, event, trauma, or life situation that your child can't comprehend will most likely be played out. 
Violent video games, movies and music videos are not excluded.  If you see a child acting out a "strange" or "unlikely" behavior, be willing to explore why they are playing what they are playing. 

You may be surprised at the fears your children hold...but you won't know unless you ask!

Summer is almost over....

Kids are getting antsy---some are ready to go back to school. All of them, FULL OF ENERGY! How do you curb that energy? What do you do with it?

OUTSIDE TIME---and the evening is perfect for this--you're off work, it's cooler out....kids need to jump around. Who cares if you have sandwiches for dinner? Some of the BEST memories me and my two oldest had were when I was a single mom. I'd get off work, grab them from wherever they were. We would head home, pack sandwiches, chips and juice boxes. Throw on our suits and off to the pool we went. It became a ritual, and the kids always had so much fun! I got to sit and relax and watch them play--and they got to unleash their energy!!!

LEARNING TIME -- turn off the TV! Your kids spent 6-8 hours a day reading and learning, and now they aren't using their brain as much! Give them an assignment. Have them research an animal and plan a trip to the zoo! When you come across that animal, have them give a presentation on what they've learned! Make them help at the grocery store by adding up prices and guesstimating your grocery bill. This will teach them budgeting, while letting them use their math skills. It will also give them an appreciation for how much food costs---and hopefully they won't be as wasteful. ( A girl can dream, right?)

QUIET TIME -- even tho your kids are at daycare or even with you, it's important that they rest. Give them at least a half hour to just sit and chill--in their room or a favorite chair in the house. No TV no Video Games no Music. Just chillax. My daughter could do a book...my son would read. But it's quiet time, for everyone----including MOMMY!

WATER-- I did a survey of the kids in my Wed. night group. I asked them "When was the last time you had a drink of water?" 90% of them couldn't remember!! Fill your kids with water ! It hydrates their bodies AND their brains. Lack of water can cause them to be moody, have headaches and stomach aches. It can also make them unhealthily exhausted.

Remember, this is the only summer you will have with your kids at the age they are! Make it memorable and safe while providing lots of love and encouragement for them to be the best kids that God created them to be!